PATRICK CRIBBEN

Turnaround

A film producer's office in Los Angeles. A man paces around the room bouncing a small rubber ball against the floor, the walls, and catching it. He hums some contemporary movie theme—maybe "The Wind Beneath My Wings." A second man, PAUL, pokes his head through the door. Hesitates, then:

PAUL
Um, excuse me . . .

WIESEL
Hey! Just the man I wanted to see. Come in. Come in.

PAUL
I'm sorry I'm late.

WIESEL
That's okay.

PAUL
I had trouble getting off the freeway.

WIESEL
Oh?

PAUL
I missed the exit.

WIESEL
Hey. Not your fault. Those rental cars suck. Next time I'll have Heather come pick you up.

PAUL
Oh, I wouldn't want to trouble her like that.

WIESEL
She's my assistant, Paul. That's what she does. Assist, you know. (pause) Well. I finally get to meet the man who wrote "Aphrodite's Daughter."

PAUL
It's a pleasure to meet you, too, Mr. Wiesel (He pronounces it veeZEL).

WIESEL
Wiesel. (He pronounces it WEEzle).

PAUL
Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed . . . I just thought, you know, like Elie, and all . . .

WIESEL
Uh. You lost me there, Paul.

PAUL
Elie Wiesel, the writer.

WIESEL
Oh sure, sure. She's with ICM, right?

PAUL
Oh, I, uh, don't think . . .

WIESEL
Yeah. I met her at a thing up at Gary Busey's once. She did a polish job on Mannequin II, or maybe one of the Chucky flicks. We could get her.

PAUL
Um, get her?

WIESEL
To collaborate, if you like. I mean, if you two got something goin' on, or whatever.

PAUL
Actually, I didn't—

WIESEL
Oh, oh no. Of course. Stupid of me. You want to work alone on the first few drafts. We can always bring her in late if we have to. Not that we'll have to. I say, and I truly believe this Paul, one writer can be every bit as good as 25, as long as you've got the right guy. And I think we've got the right guy.

PAUL
Well, I'm flattered Mr. Vee . . . Wiesel.

WIESEL
Boy when I read that thing. Oh!

PAUL
Thank you.

WIESEL
MMMM. Mmmm. Mmmm.

PAUL
Well . . .

WIESEL
It's sad. It's beautiful. It's . . . It's . . . It's got passion, you know? I said to my partner, We gotta have this thing. We gotta have this guy.

PAUL
Well, it's always nice to have your work appreciated.

WIESEL
Oh it is, it is. You betcha. So. What did you think of our proposal.

PAUL
Well, Mr. Wiesel, this is all very new to me, as you can imagine, and . . . and I'm grateful, of course. But I have to admit I have a number of well, questions, you know.

WIESEL
You want a cappuccino, or something?

PAUL
Um, I—

WIESEL
Sure, Sure. Where's my manners. You've been driving these stinkin' freeways in a Taurus or God knows what. You must need something. A Crystal Geyser. Something.

PAUL
No, no. I'm fine, really.

WIESEL
You're good?

PAUL
Yes.

WIESEL
Sure?

PAUL
Really.

WIESEL
Okay. So. Questions.

PAUL
Oh . . . Yes, I have to say, when I got the letter from you and Mr. Fare-RAY, it really knocked me for a loop.

WIESEL (pronouncing it like the rodent)
Ferret.

PAUL
What?

WIESEL
Ferret. My partner. He's our money guy. But he's wild about "Aphrodite," too. Don't you worry about that. You were saying.

PAUL
Yes. Well, I guess it's fair to say that I never imagined that movie producers would be interested in the kind of writing I do.

WIESEL
Oh yeah. Adaptation is the way to go these days. Get something from a real writer. Not another film school snot-nose with stolen screenwriting software and his parents' home computer.

PAUL
Well, that certainly wouldn't be me.

WIESEL
Damn right, it's not.

PAUL
But, . . . forgive me if I'm wrong here, but isn't this a little unusual?

WIESEL
What unusual?

PAUL
Well, to do a film adaptation of a sonnet.

WIESEL
Feature-length adaptation, Paul.

PAUL
I just didn't think you guys did that kind of thing with, you know, poetry.

WIESEL
Sure, sure. Look at, what, "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner," right? They turned that into a movie, didn't they.

PAUL
I'm not sure. I guess I'm not really up on the movies.

WIESEL
Sure. Sailing ships. The high seas. Mutiny, all of that.

PAUL
You mean Mutiny on the Bounty.

WIESEL
Yeah, they changed the title. Whatever.

PAUL
I don't think that—

WIESEL
Or Shakespeare. He wrote poetry, right? Shakespeare in Love did what, 80 million domestic. Won all those awards.

PAUL
Mr. Wiesel, Shakespeare didn't write Shakespeare in Love.

WIESEL
Paul, with respect, 'cause I respect you as a great, great writer. I know a piece that's asking for development when I see it. And "Aphrodite's Daughter" is screaming "screenplay" at me.

PAUL
It's 14 lines long.

WIESEL
Brevity, Paul. Brevity is the soul of . . . something or other. I forget what.

PAUL
Wit.

WIESEL
Wit, yes. Wit's good. People go to see wit. You know how much that "Mary" movie did with the guy getting bit in the crotch by a dog? 150 million theatrical. And video? Forget about it.

PAUL
You want to turn "Aphrodite's Daughter" into There's Something About Mary?

WIESEL
No, no of course not, Paul. Of course not. We're gonna stay true to your take on the thing. I promise you that. But, and I want you to think about this now, I think Cameron would be perfect for the part of the girl.

PAUL
Mr. Wiesel, the girl is dead.

WIESEL
Ah. See, backstory. Backstory, Paul. We flesh it out. Let a little air into the story, a little sunshine. We see how it all came together for her before, see.

PAUL
Before.

WIESEL
Yeah.

PAUL
Before she commits suicide.

WIESEL
Before.

PAUL
I don't know, Mr. Wiesel.

WIESEL
Look, see. Picture this. We open on Cameron in the—

PAUL (interrupting)
You mean Susanna.

WIESEL
Right. Susanna, Susanna. She's in the kitchen, right? And she's thinking about it. She's folding things up real neat. The sunlight streams in through the window, All very, I don't know, very Ridley Scott, you know. And she goes to the oven, right. Pulls the door open. Tight shot. Her. The oven. Her. The oven. And BANG. We flash back.

PAUL
Flash back.

WIESEL
Yeah, flash back to the whole story of the love affair with the pilot.

PAUL
Pilot?

WIESEL
Navy pilot, yeah.

PAUL
You mean the graduate student.

WIESEL
Let me explain something to you, Paul. The whole scholar thing, people don't pay for that, you know. I don't know why. It makes them feel, what, inferior or something. The military's the thing right now. Spielberg, Mallick, Jerry Bruckheimer. Everbody's shooting that. People want uniforms. The want to see Cameron and this, you know, American, walking hand in hand on the pier in Santa Monica.

PAUL
This happens in Bar Harbor.

WIESEL
Hey, what. It's the ocean. Again, with respect, Paul. You know what it costs to ship a crew all the way Rhode Island?

PAUL
Uh, Maine.

WIESEL
Whatever. The point is, we keep the whole thing, the delicate tension of it. And that thing about the wind? We can do that right here. We don't need Rhode Island for that.

PAUL
I don't think— (pause) You noticed the wind thing, huh?

WIESEL
Oh, the wind is fantastic. Are you kidding me? You can't do this thing without the wind. And anyone who says you can, well, you know, he's blowing smoke.

PAUL
I always felt the wind was the fulcrum of the piece.

WIESEL
Absolutely. Absolutely the fulcrum. Look, Paul. A have this vision. That's my end. Vision. I want people to feel that same, you know, that same NNNN! that me and Ferret felt when we read "Aphrodite." It's just, adaptation is adaptation, and we bend it a little. And we bring in an audience, an audience a little larger, if you'll forgive me, than what you get in some literary magazine back east.

PAUL
I don't know, Mr. Wiesel. I'm just not altogether comfortable with certain parts of it.

WIESEL
Okay, Okay. You're not crazy about Cameron.

PAUL
No, I—

WIESEL
No, you're right, your right. To much sex. Too much balls. How about this, we go in another direction completely. What if I were to say to you, for instance, Meg Ryan?

PAUL
No, I'm sure she'd be lovely, but—

WIESEL
You want to meet her? I could introduce you. She could go for you, you know. She split with that British guy, right? Chicks dig writers, I don't know what it is with you guys, I swear to Christ, but—

PAUL
Mr. Wiesel—

WIESEL
I'm serious. I never met one of you guys wasn't knee deep in it.

PAUL
Mr. Wiesel, please. Look, your enthusiasm for the poem is, well it's very validating, I guess, if I can use that word. And sure, everyone wants to reach a, you know, broader audience. But I'm just not sure that, in the final analysis, a poem like this can make that, that transition to something like a movie. It is what it is, I think. Just those 14 lines. It's hard to explain.

WIESEL
Uh-huh. I see, I see.

PAUL
It's nothing personal, or anything. I think maybe "Aphrodite" is just not cut out for the big screen.

WIESEL
Right, right. I see. I see. This is about the Guild minimum thing, isn't it?

PAUL
Mr. Wiesel—

WIESEL
Damn that Ferret! I told him we'd insult you by low-balling like that.

PAUL
No, Mr. Wiesel. I really wasn't bothered by—

WIESEL
Oh, Paul, come off it. We both know you're worth more than that. But Ferret's pockets are only so deep. I knew we'd never get a real writer like you for a measly 28 5.

PAUL
Twenty-eight—

WIESEL
No, you're right, Paul. We were deluding ourselves and I refused to see it. It's like the 12-step freaks say, denial ain't just a river in India.

PAUL
Egypt.

WIESEL
How's that, Paul?

PAUL
Never mind. When you say 28 5, you mean 28, what, thousand?

WIESEL
Oh, look, Paul, don't rub our noses in it. So, now you know. We're not exactly the Weinsteins. Hell, I'll tear this contract up, then. It wasn't worth the time it took to draw it up.

PAUL
Just a minute, just a minute, Mr. Weisel.

WIESEL
Please. Sly.

PAUL
Sly?

WIESEL
Sylvester, you know, but it's Hollywood, so . . .

PAUL picks up the rubber ball and starts to fiddle with it.

PAUL
And you really liked the stuff about the wind?

WIESEL
Paul, my hand to God. Goosebumps. Seriously. Chills.

PAUL
Well, it's just . . . about this pilot.

WIESEL
Navy pilot. Un-huh?

PAUL
I mean, like I say, I'm not really the expert about these kinds of things. But what if he was, I don't know, kind of like a graduate student? You know, in certain ways.

WIESEL
I can't believe it.

PAUL
What.

WIESEL
It's kismet. It really is. Kismet, Paul. You won't believe it. You want to know what I'm thinking? Even before you walked through that door? I'm thinking about the pilot, and I'm thinking none of this Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck brainless bullshit. I'm thinking smarter, more sensitive—Rick Schroder.

PAUL
Ricky. Rick?

WIESEL
Ricky? Rick. Ricky?

PAUL
Or I don't know, Rafe Fiennes?

WIESEL
Ralph. Rafe?

PAUL
Rafe. Ralph?

WIESEL
He's good.

PAUL
Yeah.

WIESEL
Not American.

PAUL
No.

WIESEL
But he does American.

PAUL
That was my thought.

WIESEL
That's a good thought. That's a good thought, Paul.

WIESEL slips PAUL the contract.

PAUL
To be completely honest with you, Sly, I always though the piece might stand a little, I don't know, filling out.

WIESEL
A set-up. You set it up a little.

PAUL
And you honestly think we could get Meg Ryan?

WIESEL
Paul. Guess who I had lunch with yesterday?

PAUL
You're kidding. Meg Ryan?

WIESEL
Uhn-uhn. Better. Her publicist. And you know what she says to me? She says, "Why can't someone bring Meg something literary." You hear that? Literary.

PAUL
She said that?

WIESEL
Or I'm not standin' here.

PAUL begins to sign.

PAUL
'Cause I've always thought she could play a suicide.

WIESEL
She could, she could. She could do it. But, uh, Paul. About the whole . . . suicide thing . . .

BLACK OUT . . . END  

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