G.K. WUORI | Wendy’s Friend
Scene One
(A young woman is in the great room talking on a cellphone. She is WENDY’S FRIEND, an undocumented immigrant maid. American maids do not usually wear uniforms, but there should be a suggestion in her dress of some sort of “regularity”—perhaps a white blouse, short, dark skirt, and low heels. WENDY’s dress should be similar since they both live and work in the same wealthy neighborhood.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
Of course I told him, Wendy. You have to do that. He asked me one day, “What was it you did in that place—that country from which you’ve come?” “Munitions,” I told him, “mostly procurement. It tends to be women’s work there.” He asked me why and what else could I say? “Most of our junior executives are dead,” I told him.(Slight pause)
Was he shocked? About what? Oh—when I said munitions? He might be shocked if a bomb went off under him. Short of that, though, he’s quite reserved.
(Slight pause)
You called me, Wendy. What did you want?
(Slight pause)
Oh no. Again? Yes, of course you can come over. Only his daughter. She’s here now but she’ll be leaving soon, and Mr. Longfellow doesn’t mind. He might be walking around naked, though. He does that, but the doors have special locks and I have the key—just to keep him inside. He walked all the way to town naked yesterday and we found him at the train station waiting to take the train to work.
(Slight pause)
If I can help, I will. You can’t keep letting her do this, Wendy.
(End of call. As WENDY’S FRIEND resumes some light cleaning, MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER enters through the double doors stage left.)
MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
He is not to go outside. Do we understand that? And for heaven’s sakes would you see to it that he remains dressed? I almost had to call our attorney yesterday afternoon and that must not happen again.WENDY’S FRIEND
I don’t think he meant any harm, ma’am.MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
Which isn’t the point now, is it? You must understand Mr. Longfellow is only retired. He is not dead. Friends come by, unannounced, as you well know, and his face still appears in the advertisements. His image still powers large schemes and fuels substantial investments. You can manage his confusions, dear, or you can find yourself picking turnips in some fucking field down south.WENDY’S FRIEND
The property, though, this place—it is so big and he takes great joy in visiting his pond with all the birds, ducks and gooses—MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
Geese.(Exasperated)
Jesus Christ.
WENDY’S FRIEND
I’m sorry.MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
Do I sound as though I’m seeking a consensus?WENDY’S FRIEND
I’m not sure what that—MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
Look. His spirit is large, his heart is generous, and he is a kind man. It’s only his thoughts that betray him now and then, so we have to think his thoughts for him. Quite honestly, I don’t care if the dust in here grows to be a foot thick—just do what’s best for my father.WENDY’S FRIEND
Yes, ma’am.MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
And don’t worry about his daughter.WENDY’S FRIEND
His daughter? But that’s—MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
She can be a bitch, but she trusts you.WENDY’S FRIEND (Looking confused)
This way of speaking. I’m not sure I—MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
I’ll be in London on business for a few weeks.(As MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER opens the door to leave, she finds WENDY standing there. She looks back to WENDY’S FRIEND.)
Some business?
WENDY’S FRIEND
I’ll take care of it. I hope you have a sympathetic trip.MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER
Oh my. Of course you do. Good-bye.(As MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER leaves, WENDY enters and she and her friend share a long embrace.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
You have time off? She gave you time off for a visit?WENDY
I don’t think you’d believe it if I said she did.WENDY’S FRIEND
Probably not.WENDY
She knows about you—I mean, that we come from the same country. So when I told her I was having trouble with my monthly and that you might be able to help she just said, “Oh, please”—you know how they do that—and whooshed me away with her hands.WENDY’S FRIEND
Whooshed?WENDY
Whooshed.(Gesturing)
Like this.
WENDY’S FRIEND
But you lied to her, Wendy?(WENDY turns from her friend and raises her skirt slightly to show a bruise on her leg. As her friend bends down to look closer, she raises her skirt higher to reveal a large bruise on the back of her thigh, near her buttock.)
WENDY
Maybe this is more like a true thing. Truly enough deserved. I know that, but—WENDY’S FRIEND
Deserved? You deserve this?WENDY
For my failings, of course.WENDY’S FRIEND
So it’s your fault, then—this beating?WENDY
I have a lot of ambitions. You know that. Money. That’s the thing. One day I will have money and then there will be the pictures of me in the magazines, looking relaxed I think at cocktail parties, a crystal trinket in my hand filled with wine. Of course I’ll be legal by then, maybe even a citizen, maybe even a politician. I’d like to be a politician. My father was a politician until they cut off his hands.WENDY’S FRIEND
Why did they cut off his hands?WENDY
They didn’t like him. Truth is, I’d like to be on television reading the evening news. Or maybe have one of those little shops where you sell sweet fragrances and tiny earrings for the piercing ears.WENDY’S FRIEND
Pierced ears.WENDY
Yes.WENDY’S FRIEND
But these ambitions—that’s considered honorable in this place. Everyone is supposed to be more than they can be.WENDY
I know, I know. But I’m paid for my actualities, not my hopes.WENDY’S FRIEND
What does that mean?WENDY
I have not yet directed myself into productive channels of effective accomplishment. It’s a temporary failing.WENDY’S FRIEND
Sometimes you talk like books I don’t want to read, and while I respect your channels of. . . whatever they are, all I’m concerned about right now is this right here, this bruise. It’s about the size of a mango.WENDY
I know, but the baby woke up in the middle of the night. She was crying and full of bubbles so I thought it was all right to give her some Coca-Cola.WENDY’S FRIEND
You gave her Coca-Cola? A baby?WENDY
Something my mother taught me long ago. I try to use some of those things so that I don’t forget them. Actually, the baby had these three really big gas belches and then went right to sleep.WENDY’S FRIEND
So you might have found a cure for colic?WENDY
Excuse me?WENDY’S FRIEND
Bubbles, baby bubbles.WENDY
Oh. I don’t know about that. But when Mrs. Dolly saw the Coca-Cola can near the baby’s bed she put two into two and slapped my quarters with a lamp that looks like that children’s gentleman. Mr. Shrek? I think he’s called Mr. Shrek.(MR. LONGFELLOW enters the room nattily dressed in a suit with vest and tie and wingtip shoes. He has, however, neglected to put on a shirt and his hair is quite unkempt.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
Now here is a gentleman, Wendy.MR. LONGFELLOW
Nicely put. Thank you, child.WENDY’S FRIEND
A man of taste prepared for the good things in life. Except—(WENDY’S FRIEND begins patting down and adjusting MR. LONGFELLOW’S jacket, which she opens slightly, then fusses with his tie.)
MR. LONGFELLOW
Have I forgotten something?WENDY’S FRIEND
You look very good, sir. But then, you always do. I believe, however, you’d look even better with a shirt. Don’t you think so, Wendy?WENDY
A shirt would be just the thing. The younger men, sometimes they don’t wear shirts, but I can’t imagine you’d measure yourself against what mere boys are wearing.MR. LONGFELLOW
Of course not. Yes, yes, I believe you’re right, the two of you.WENDY’S FRIEND
I’m so sorry, sir. I believe I’ve neglected my etiquettes. Have you met Wendy?MR. LONGFELLOW
An intern from Accounting. Correct? Regularly beaten, though, as I recall.WENDY’S FRIEND
Yes, sir.MR. LONGFELLOW
You provoke these things, you know. That’s the way it works.WENDY (Talking to her friend)
The hair? Do you think the hair is right for such a gentleman?WENDY’S FRIEND
Needs work, I think. Do you have a barbery, Mr. Longfellow?MR. LONGFELLOW
A barbarian? Do I have a barbarian? Not since my last vice president.WENDY’S FRIEND
I think I missed something, Wendy.WENDY
A barber, darling. I think it’s called a barber. Is that right, Mr. Longfellow?MR. LONGFELLOW
I had a woman come to my office once a week to cut my hair. She had stunning breasts and a butt that said hello as she said goodbye. Bad breath, though. She had bad breath. Does my hair need cutting? Is that what the two of you are saying?WENDY’S FRIEND
A trim, I think. I believe that’s what it’s called. Perhaps we—(She leaves the room for just a moment and returns with a pair of scissors and a hairbrush.)
MR. LONGFELLOW
For years, you know, good men would come to my offices to dress me. Very oddly short in stature nearly all of them, they made my clothing. They took photos of my body and drew lines on the photos. I was complimented, fussed over. Sometimes I had to give them special names because I couldn’t pronounce their real names.WENDY’S FRIEND
These were designers?MR. LONGFELLOW
Artistes was how they referred to themselves. It sometimes occurred to me that what I spent on clothes could have lifted a dozen families out of poverty and put them on the road to good times.(WENDY takes the scissors and brush from her friend.)
WENDY
Shall I?WENDY’S FRIEND
You’ve done this? The barbering business?WENDY
As Mrs. Dolly tells me all the time, “How hard can it be?”(WENDY and her friend continue to talk as WENDY gently trims and fusses over MR. LONGFELLOW’S hair, while her friend gets a shoeshine kit and kneels down to polish MR. LONGFELLOW’S shoes.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
This woman’s husband—WENDY
His name is Jim.WENDY’S FRIEND
Okay—this Jim, he treats you like . . . with respect?WENDY
They try, both of them, even Mrs. Dolly. They are religious people, you know. Of a Christian nature.WENDY’S FRIEND
That is a harsh religion, Wendy. You must be careful.WENDY
But darling—I am a Christian. Didn’t you know that?WENDY’S FRIEND
No, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to offend you.MR. LONGFELLOW
I like churches.WENDY’S FRIEND
You do, sir?MR. LONGFELLOW
When I was a young man I used to buy and sell churches. I believe I sold a cathedral one time. Seems like it might have been made into a restaurant.WENDY’S FRIEND
You can buy a church, sir?WENDY
You can sell a church, sir?MR. LONGFELLOW
Girls, girls, girls. In this country you could sell a pope to a synagogue if all parties agreed to the terms.(A little wide-eyed and open-mouthed, WENDY and her friend suppress some giggling.)
It’s what gives us our energy, you see. Everything, as we say, is always on the table and the checkbook is always open.
(He yawns and closes his eyes as WENDY continues her trimming.)
WENDY
You didn’t offend me, darling. I understood what you meant, and in some ways you’re right.WENDY’S FRIEND
Do I remember what I’m right about? I forgot what we were saying.WENDY
About Christians. I mean, what I was going to say, is that one time I told Mrs. Dolly I was a Christian. She seems to believe it deeply, that faith, almost as though the Christ was yet one more thing she owns. Anyway, when I told her I was a Christian I thought she would be happy, that maybe she would no longer see me as totally hopeless.WENDY’S FRIEND
She was happy?WENDY
Maybe that wasn’t a good word. Christians, we tend to be suspicious of happiness. It ended up, though, a little funny.WENDY’S FRIEND
Why do I think I’m not going to find it funny?WENDY
She was annoyed, I believe, to find that she had a common bond with a servant. So she put a bar of white soap in my mouth and made me keep it there all day. The children, I have to tell you, found great amusement in it since I had bubbles all around my face. I was also pushing bubbles into the toilet for days afterward.WENDY’S FRIEND
Oh, Wendy. Will I ever be able to stop saying, ‘Oh, Wendy?’ But this Jim, this Mr. Jim Dolly, he doesn’t mind all of this?WENDY
I hardly ever see him. He travels in his work, but when he’s home Mrs. Dolly doesn’t like me to be near him. She says he has views. I don’t know what that means, but at certain times, not like a party, one of her many parties, you know, if I am needed when Jim Dolly is home and it’s not a party time, Mrs. Dolly makes me wear raggedy clothes and sometimes she rubs wet meal trash into my armpits so that I smell offensive. One time she put cigarette ashes in my hair and rubbed them on my face.WENDY’S FRIEND
That’s disgusting. I do believe that.MR. LONGFELLOW
(Suddenly waking from his nap, his head jerking in such a way that WENDY’s scissors go flying as she tries to avoid stabbing him.)
Disgusting? How can it be disgusting? We cleared it with corporate, our own board and. . . . Oh—did I break wind?
WENDY’S FRIEND
You were dozing, sir. Perhaps we startled you.MR. LONGFELLOW
Fair enough. I’ve been known to fart in my sleep, so I’ll just offer my apologies in a general sense. If necessary, a memo can always be composed.WENDY’S FRIEND
A memo, sir?MR. LONGFELLOW
It’s always good to stick with procedures. Did I ever mention to you that I received a book from a colleague abroad?WENDY’S FRIEND
I don’t believe so, sir. Is it something I should be familiar with? Did you want me to find it in your library?MR. LONGFELLOW
Perhaps later. I only mention it because the title of the book is Respectful Beatings For Very Good Help.(Both WENDY and her friend share a shocked, quizzical look as they hear the book’s title.)
You’re familiar with this book?
WENDY’S FRIEND
My aunty gave me a copy when she first heard I was coming to the States. She said I would need it because Americans aren’t very good at beating their employees. No offense, sir.MR. LONGFELLOW
None taken, child. Perhaps you should let your friend here—Wendy, is it?—read your copy.WENDY
I have, Mr. Longfellow.MR. LONGFELLOW
Quite the classic, don’t you think?(WENDY and HER FRIEND move away from MR. LONGFELLOW to the front of the stage.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
I didn’t give you that book, Wendy.WENDY
I know that. My mother sent it to me after I called her one time and couldn’t keep from crying because Mrs. Dolly had pulled out a piece of my hair. I just didn’t think Mr. Longfellow needed to know all of that.WENDY’S FRIEND
What did you do with the book?WENDY
Respectful Beatings For Very Good Help?WENDY’S FRIEND
Yes.(In the background as they speak, MR. LONGFELLOW is slowly removing his clothing.)
WENDY
I gave it to Mrs. Dolly. I thought she might like to know it was all right to do what she did, but that maybe there were better ways to do it.WENDY’S FRIEND
I have the feeling I’m about to say ‘Oh, Wendy,’ again. Did she read it? Did she say anything?WENDY
She said, ‘Eat it.’WENDY’S FRIEND
Eat it?WENDY
The book. I had to eat it, page by page. Of course I couldn’t really do it, but I ate some of it and then, while I was kneeling over the toilet in the gardener’s shed and throwing myself up—WENDY’S FRIEND
Throwing up, not throwing myself up.WENDY
When I become an ambassador I’ll have to have you by my side all the time.WENDY’S FRIEND
By the time you become an ambassador, your English will be fine. But you were saying—WENDY
Oh. Yes. As I was throwing. . . up, Mrs. Dolly told me I might have to be put in the cellar for a few days because my attitude was appalling. I didn’t know about this appalling, what it meant, but it was hard to think of anything because she was also kicking me on my hindquarters while I was being sick. It was a very busy time.WENDY’S FRIEND
Kicking you?WENDY
Not real hard, darling.(Noticing that behind her MR. LONGFELLOW is now naked except for his boxer shorts and shoes and socks.)
Your employer, sweetheart. Perhaps he has needs we don’t usually think of in older men.
WENDY’S FRIEND (Turning quickly and seeing MR. LONGFELLOW)
Oh, my. Mr. Longfellow?MR. LONGFELLOW
Only another staff meeting, child. Nothing to get all concerned about. I do have some papers, though, and the agenda—I wonder where they might be?(MR. LONGFELLOW keeps trying to remove his shorts as he walks about looking for his papers. Each time he tries, though, WENDY’S FRIEND is there with her hand on his rear waistband. This action is repeated several times.)
Preparation, you see. It’s all about preparation. I need to see your budgets, your quarterly reports, staff evaluations. Something about the beatings you’ve administered, too, although quite frankly I wasn’t aware we’d started that again. Has Human Resources been informed of that?
WENDY’S FRIEND
They do tend to stay on top of those things, sir.MR. LONGFELLOW
Good, good, very good.WENDY’S FRIEND
Your office, sir. I’m sure you’ll find all your materials in your office.(Exit MR. LONGFELLOW as WENDY’S FRIEND begins gathering up his clothing.)
WENDY
I’m afraid I—(She is interrupted by a knock on the door. Her friend, arms full of clothing, answers the door.)
WENDY’S FRIEND
Wendy?(WENDY goes to the door and opens it. Standing there is ALEXANDRA DOLLY, clearly upset at having to come and retrieve her servant.)
WENDY
Mrs. Dolly?(Exit WENDY. Moments later a few quick cries of pain are heard.)
End of Scene One
