Full Plate Collection
| CHARACTERS: | Betsy Crockpot |
| SETTING: | The set of a TV home–shopping program called Impulse Buying At Home: Where Women Shop For Themselves |
| AT RISE: | Amid rousing MUSIC and LIGHT EFFECTS, our effervescent HOSTS enter and speak to the audience. |
HOST 1
Hello!
HOST 2
Hello!
HOST 1
I’m Lucy!
HOST 2
And I’m Ethel!
TOGETHER
Welcome to Impulse Buying At Home—
HOST 1
Where women shop for themselves.
HOST 2
We want to thank our sponsors, Fruit 66 and Electric Power, Incorporated.
HOST 1
Thank you!
HOST 2
And we want to give a shout–out to the generous folks at Barksdale Theatre who kindly allowed us to be in The Little Theatre this evening.
HOST 2 (March 11 only)
[Tonight, we welcome the friends, supporters and staff of Home Again, which provides shelter and support services to homeless men, women, children and veterans. Give yourselves a hand!]
HOST 2 (March 13 only)
[Tonight, we have some very important people in our studio audience, don’t we Mary?
HOST 1
We sure do, Rhoda. Many of the folks here tonight are generous contributors to our production, and truer words were never spoken when we say, “Without you, we wouldn’t be here.”
HOST 1
If you are one of our honored guests tonight, please stand so we can all give you a round of applause . . . Thank you!]
HOST 2 (Ladies Night/Skirt Night, etc. only)
[Tonight is (Ladies Night, Skirt Night, etc.), and ladies, here’s to us!]
HOST 1
I love to buy, don’t you, Thelma?
HOST 2
I certainly do, Louise, and where would we be without all those other buyers out there?
HOST 1
Facing a government takeover?
HOST 2
No, silly, we’d be daytime drinkers still getting our hair done in malls. Now, what do we have for our buyers today, Kate?
HOST 1
I’m glad you asked, Allie, because today, only on Impulse Buying At Home, we’re offering a remarkable collection of painted plates!
HOST 2
Tell me more, Wilma!
HOST 1
Love to, Betty! These plates were inspired by some of our most popular female cultural icons. On each collector plate is a painting of an influential woman who never existed! And our E–Z Pay Plan makes owning these plates, well, E–Z! Tell them about the E–Z Pay Plan, Laverne.
HOST 2
Love to, Shirley. You can pay with a credit card, personal check, electronic banking service, money order, cashier’s check, or proof of womanhood.
HOST 1
Proof of womanhood! How does that work?
HOST 2
It’s E–Z! Along with your order, just send us a token from your personal female history.
HOST 1
Such as . . .
HOST 2
Your tenth–century Chinese foot bindings!
HOST 1
Your Victorian chastity belt!
HOST 2
Your whalebone corset—
HOST 1
Your dunking rope from the Salem witch trails—
HOST 2
Your training bra—
HOST 1
Your first at–home pregnancy test—
HOST 2
Your pink cancer ribbon!
HOST 1
And this is by no means a complete list, is it Ginger?
HOST 2
Oh my, no, Mary Ann. I’m sure there are lots of folks at home with plenty of tokens from their own personal history.
HOST 1
So dig them up and send them in!
HOST 2
I’m ready to see the first plate, aren’t you, Snow White?
HOST 1
I am, Rose Red.
HOST 2
Remember, you can call, email, text, Twitter, blither, blather, or channel your order, but do it now, because this collection is a limited edition.
HOST 1
And won’t last long.
HOST 2
May we see the first plate, please?
(BETSY CROCKPOT, in her 1930s attire, is revealed.)
HOST 2
Of course you all recognize this paragon of domesticity, Betsy Crockpot!
HOST 1
Betsy Crockpot?! But I thought we were featuring plates with real American icons on them.
HOST 2
Yes, well, these plates are irregulars.
HOST 1
Irregulars?
HOST 2
For a special low, low price! And if you act right now, we’ll include a special bonus plate!
HOST 1
No!
HOST 2
Yes!
HOST 1
What female cultural icon who never really existed is on the special bonus plate?
HOST 2
That’s a surprise.
HOST 1
I love surprises! So that’s six plates for the price of five?
HOST 1
That’s right!
TOGETHER
And they can be yours!
(MUSIC swells. BETSY comes to life.)
PRODUCER
Betsy, a word?
BETSY
I’m at places; can it wait?
PRODUCER
I’ll make it fast. Uh, there’s no easy way to say this, I’m afraid. I’m sorry, Betsy, but this is your last show.
BETSY
That’s impossible! I represent the American homemaker. I’m the First Lady of Food! America loves me.
PRODUCER
Today? Not so much. American homemakers are ready for a new face to represent them.
BETSY
Who?
PRODUCER
They haven’t decided yet, but Rachel has thrown her hat into the ring.
BETSY
That hussy.
PRODUCER
Then there’s Martha; the southern gal, Paula; and the pretty Italian chick with the hair.
BETSY
What’s the matter with me?
PRODUCER
You’re out of touch, Betsy. Today’s busy homemaker can’t always cook a full meal from scratch. If you want to reflect the changing face of America’s women, you have to evolve.
BETSY
Now just a gall–darned minute. When you came to me in 1921 and asked me to answer a few letters about cooking, I said fine. Then you asked to me host a radio cooking show, and I said why not? Then you gave me a face and a TV show to go with it. Swell, terrific, great. But nobody ever told me I’d have to evolve. Sara Lee never had to evolve.
PRODUCER
Sara Lee is a real person, Betsy. Real people don’t have to evolve.
BETSY
Isn’t there anything I can do?
PRODUCER
Well, maybe if you started a blog—
BETSY
What’s a blog?
PRODUCER
Okay, forget the blog. Maybe if you had a website—
BETSY
What’s a website?
INTERN
You’re on, Miss Crockpot.
PRODUCER
I’m sorry, Betsy—
BETSY
I can do this. I can evolve. Give me one more chance to prove it to you.
PRODUCER
It’s too late to change now—
BETSY
I can do it! Please.
INTERN
In five . . .
(INTERN continues counting down.)
PRODUCER
All right, all right. One more chance.
BETSY
You won’t regret it.
INTERN
. . . two . . . one!
(MUSIC: “Cooking with Gas.” During this, a table arrives. On it is dry brownie mix, pureed pumpkin in a can, also in a small bowl, and a pan of cooked brownies.)
HOSTS/BETSY
Now you’re cooking with gas
In Betsy’s cooking class.
Uniting homemakers in her role
As Ambassador of Casserole.
She likes easy–to–find ingredients,
Writes simple steps to guide us,
Features recipes that won’t cause
Gastroenteritis.
Now you’re cookin’ with,
Now you’re cookin’ with,
Now you’re cookin’ with GAS.
BETSY
It’s time to make a change,
One that speaks to all of you,
I’ll print a new edition,
Throw this book into the stew.
I’ll feature brand new recipes,
Tell me what you think,
Made from fat free veggie stock
And the kitchen sink.
I’ll speak to you, I’ll stay in touch,
I’ll get out more, I’ll grow.
I’ve come too far to go back now,
I’ll teach you all I know.
Now I’m cookin’ with,
Now I’m cookin’ with,
Now I’m cookin’ with GAS.
(Perhaps music continues softly beneath BETSY’s speech.)
BETSY
We modern women have a lot on our plates, so we don’t always have time to cook a full meal from scratch. Today, I’ll teach you how to take a few shortcuts without shortchanging your family. It starts with today’s featured ingredient . . .
(Presents a can of pumpkin.)
. . .pumpkin! Believe it or not, this little can of pureed pumpkin is your best friend. So when your career becomes threatened due to America’s obsession with youth and pop culture, you can turn to your can of pumpkin and say, “Screw this job. I’m going into politics.”
As you know, pumpkin is a vegetable. What you may not know is, when you prepare a box of dry brownie mix, pumpkin puree can take the place of all the wet ingredients. Of course, you can still add the optional crushed Ritalin or Viagra, depending on which family member could use a little help.
(Demonstrates next.)
Simply empty a box of brownie mix into your bowl, add a can of pumpkin, stir, and bake. And because pureed pumpkin is an excellent source of vitamins . . .
(Displays already cooked brownies.)
. . . each baked brownie is now equal to one whole serving of vegetables!
(At audience reaction, or lack thereof, BETSY drops her routine, and addresses the audience, more disappointed than angry.)
Who am I kidding?
You’re lucky, you know that? Because I know things. And for years I’ve been very happy to share my tips and secrets without ever asking for anything in return. And now, frankly, I’m feeling a little betrayed.
You could have stuck up for me back there. You could have told my producer I’m not “out of touch.” Sure, I could include a few ethnic dishes, reach out a little, spice it up. But do you really want me to venture that far out of my comfort zone? I don’t know the woman next door, much less the one cleaning my house.
But I do know you can measure how much a woman loves her family by the size of her oven. I know the smell of freshly baked bread can wrap around you like a mother’s arms, no matter what age you are, even if your mother died when you were six and you didn’t eat for three months no matter how much your father begged, because without that heat and the smell of something baking, you were consumed in a fire so black it burned cold. Even when you tried baking yourself, to bring her back, she didn’t come back, so you kept trying until you figured out that what you lost was more than a body, or heat, or smell; it was love. And after losing that, how could you ever eat again? Just one bite, your father said. You have to eat something.
(Comes out of it.)
Look, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I should just shut up and get naked. But that’s not my style, and if wearing an apron makes me “out of touch,” then maybe I have cracked my last egg.
(Gathers her tools of the trade.)
I may still call pasta noodles, and use a microwave for storing cookbooks, but if you think you’re rid of me, you’re mistaken. I know things. And I’m everywhere. I’m in every recipe you clip, every dish you cook, every table you set. Each time you look in a mirror, I’ll be looking back, reminding you to masticate, masticate, masticate, for I am Betsy Crockpot, and I gave you pumpkin brownies!
(MUSIC. Over the following, Betsy grandly removes her apron for the last time, and returns to her position before her plate.)
No matter how you slice it,
A cake starts out as batter.
Cooking is our common bond,
Our differences don’t matter.
Busy families don’t eat right,
At times, we’re pulled apart.
But food and mother’s love still light
Home fires in our heart.
You’re done cooking with gas,
In Betsy’s cooking class,
And as she fades to yesteryear,
We stop, we listen, and we hear:
BETSY
Don’t stick a fork in me yet; this cupcake is far from done.
(With that, BETSY strikes a POSE. MUSIC goes back to the TV SHOW THEME SONG.)
HOST 1
We’re back!
HOST 2
Our operators are standing by, ready to take your orders. Let’s go to our phones now, and hear what you folks at home have to say. Hello, Heloise, you’re on the air!
(All CALLERS are voiceovers.)
HELOISE
Hellloooo! I simply love your show.
HOSTS
Thank you!
That’s so sweet.
HELOISE
And I have a hint for Betsy Crockpot and other folks at home.
HOSTS
Go right ahead.
What’s your hint, Heloise?
HELOISE
I’ll bet you didn’t know that pumpkin puree also has a number of household uses. For an instant air freshener, dab it in on a cool light bulb, then turn on the light. The scent of canned pumpkin will drift throughout the room.
HOSTS
Amazing!
Who knew?
HELOISE
You can also get your kids to take a bath by pouring Epsom salt, glycerin, and big ol’ dollop of pumpkin into the hot bath. Your kids will be beating down the door to dive in.
HOSTS
Okay!
Thank you, Heloise!
HELOISE
It also cleans computer screens and removes pet stains—
HOST 1
—How many full plate collections can we send to you today, Heloise?
HELOISE
I’d like to buy just the Babs plate, please.
HOST 1
But we haven’t even introduced Babs yet.
HELOISE
Oh, that’s all right. I’d like to buy her plate, anyway.
HOST 1
I’m sorry, Heloise, but I’m afraid it’s not possible to buy just one plate. Am I right, Lois?
HOST 2
You are correct, Lana. We’re selling the full plate collection today. This low, low price is for complete sets only.
HELOISE
But I only want Babs.
HOSTS
You can’t have only Babs.
This is a set.
You can’t buy just one plate.
HELOISE
This is a set?
HOSTS
That’s right.
Uh huh.
HELOISE
I can’t buy just one?
HOSTS
No.
Sorry, just the set.
HELOISE
Well, that blows.
HOST 1
Let’s introduce our next plate.
(ROSIE is revealed in her famous “flexed pecs” pose. She wears blue twill coveralls. A bandana covers her hair.)
HOST 2
I don’t think those coveralls are very becoming, do you?
HOST 1
Those are her work clothes. Rosie works in an aircraft factory.
MOTHER (Off stage)
Rosie? Are you in there?
ROSIE (Massaging sore muscles.)
Yes, mother.
MOTHER
Whatcha doing out here in the garage, Rosie?
ROSIE
I was—I’m just thinking.
MOTHER
Thinking, eh? Well, aren’t you clever? I didn’t hear you get home from work, honey bunch. How was your first day at the aircraft factory?
ROSIE
Is the General in bed?
MOTHER
Not yet. We were waiting for you. We thought about you today, working away on those B–29s. Such important work. You must be feeling very proud of yourself.
ROSIE
Not really.
MOTHER
Well, you should be. I think you’re very clever learning how to pivot.
ROSIE
Rivet.
MOTHER
Beg pardon?
ROSIE
Rivet, not pivot. And I’m not very good at all.
MOTHER
It’s only your first day, Rosie. I’m sure you’ll catch on. Did you ever dream you’d earn $1.31 an hour?
ROSIE
You know, mother, I was thinking we could get by on a lot less.
MOTHER
Well, yes, we could get by, but I’m awfully tired of having to pinch and scrape just to put a bottle of Vodka on the table, aren’t you?
ROSIE
We could plant a victory garden.
MOTHER
I don’t think so. If God wanted us to eat vegetables, he wouldn’t have made cows.
ROSIE
I can’t keep asking you to babysit. It’s unfair.
MOTHER
Nonsense.
ROSIE
I don’t belong in the workplace, Mother. I think I should quit.
MOTHER
Quit! But what about your patriotic duty? This country needs women to pitch in so our boys can come home victorious.
ROSIE
And my family needs me to stay home and take care of them.
MOTHER
We can manage just fine, dear. Your factory job is much more important. Now, come inside. Your daughter is asking for you.
ROSIE
I’m coming . . . You don’t think she’s odd, do you Mother?
(MOTHER’s face says it all.)
ROSIE
Lord knows, she’s been acting strangely ever since Burton . . . You don’t think she’s odd, do you, Mother?
(MOTHER’s look says it all.)
I worry so.
MOTHER
I know. Everything will be all right. It’s good for her to see her mother doing her part for the War.
ROSIE
Oh, Mother, I hate this job. I absolutely hate it!
MOTHER
Rosie!
ROSIE
The rivet guns are so heavy and loud, the fumes burn my lungs—my eyes are still burning from the torch flashes. I can barely see.
MOTHER
Nobody said it would be easy.
ROSIE
And the men don’t want us there. Before they hired me, I had to promise to give up my job once the war is over.
MOTHER
Well, of course, dear. Men need the work to support their families.
ROSIE
And what if the head of the family happens to be a woman? How am supposed to support my family if they make me give up my job to someone else?
MOTHER
Don’t worry, Rosie. We’ll figure something out.
ROSIE
Actually, I’ve been thinking about enlisting.
MOTHER
Enlisting where, Rosie?
ROSIE
The Air Force.
MOTHER
Oh. Ohhhhhh. I don’t think you should do that, Rosie.
ROSIE
Why not?
MOTHER
Because we need you. My Lord, what would we do if something happened to you?
ROSIE
I just feel like I need to do something.
MOTHER
Which is why you have to stay at the factory.
ROSIE
I want to do more.
MOTHER
What more? You already lost a husband, I lost a son, and your daughter will celebrate her tenth birthday next month without her father. I don’t want to hear any more talk about doing more.
ROSIE
All right. I’m sorry I upset you. How was the General today?
MOTHER
Just fine, dear. Everything is going to be just fine. You’ll see.
ROSIE
My back is killing me.
MOTHER
I’ll bring you a cold press.
ROSIE
No, that’s okay. Would you ask the General to come out here, please?
MOTHER
Are you sure? You’re going to get an earful.
ROSIE
Yes, I’m sure.
MOTHER
All right, Rosie. Whatever you say.
(Beat.)
We need you here, Rosie.
ROSIE
I know. It was just a thought.
(ROSIE and MOTHER hug.
MOTHER exits.
MUSIC: "My House Falls Apart."
ROSIE takes out a small picture.)
At night I hear the whole house creaking,
I pretend it’s you upon the stair.
The stain from where the roof is leaking,
Reminds me of the way you combed your hair.
You taught me how to fix the dripping,
Which counts the seconds you’ve been gone.
But I can’t fix a heart that’s ripping,
When it wakes alone each broken dawn.
Creaking, leaking, dripping, then
The other noises start.
I can’t keep our family whole when
My house falls apart.
I miss washing up your dishes.
I know that sounds a bit insane.
But little chores turn into crazy wishes,
When bigger dreams go swirling down the drain.
The kitchen sink needs new plumbing,
Dishwater dumps underneath the house.
And pools there before slowly seeping,
To mingle with your blood deep in the ground.
Wishing, dreaming, losing, then
Our future fails to start.
I let go of sanity when
My hope falls apart.
If I could look for you, I’d live it.
Sign my name right on the dotted line.
Shoot live ammo, not just rivets.
Face whatever fresh hell I might find.
The only thing could stop me joining,
Are eyes that look to me for daily bread.
I’ll say the reason I am going,
Is to bring you back here from the dead.
Cursing, crying, lying, then
More denials start.
I must believe you’re coming home or
My heart falls apart.
I cling to what is left of you, or
My house,
My hopes,
My heart falls apart.
(A knock.)
ROSIE
Come in, General.
(THE GENERAL enters—ROSIE’s ten–year–old daughter, dressed as a general.)
THE GENERAL (Returns salute.)
At ease. Now, Mother, what in the Sam Hill is all this nonsense about you quitting your job at the aircraft factory?
ROSIE
Nana wasn’t supposed to tell you that.
THE GENERAL
Nana tells me everything. She’s my spy.
ROSIE
I’ll have to remember that.
THE GENERAL
Why don’t you want to work in the aircraft factory?
ROSIE
I’d rather stay at home with you.
THE GENERAL
Stop trying to schmooze me, Mother. I’m almost ten.
ROSIE
Yes, General.
THE GENERAL
Take a knee.
ROSIE
Honey, I really don’t want—
THE GENERAL
Indulge me, Mother. I’m fragile.
(ROSIE takes a knee.)
THE GENERAL
Now, Mother. I shouldn’t have to tell you there’s work to be done. A stay–at–home mother is bad for morale. Our men need to know that We Can Do It!
ROSIE
And I agree! But I’d rather support the troops by fighting the Huns myself!
THE GENERAL
Now, Mother, no woman ever won a war by dying for her country. She won it by waving goodbye to all the men, then taking their jobs.
All this stuff going around about women not wanting to work is a lot of Dippity–do. Real women love the heat of a stinking sweatshop. I wouldn’t give a mud pie for a mother who couldn’t buy gasoline with her own money. That’s why American women will always have nest eggs. Because the very thought of a mother with a car that won’t go is hateful to her children.
That aircraft factory is hiring the best women this century has seen. Yes, you’re going to have to make sacrifices. You’ll have to trade your open–toed pumps for steel–toe boots, but by golly, you’re going to wear them, and look good in them, too!
You know something, Mother? By the time this war is over, nineteen thousand women will have entered the workforce. I pity the men who will take over those jobs once they come back home. Leapin’ lizards, I do, because women are going to raise the bar so high, then men will wish they had been born with ovaries, too.
Now, you may be worried that once your factory job is over, you may not remember how to care for your family. Don’t worry about that. After one week back at home, you’ll be crying over the stove just like you never left. And seventy years from now, when you’re sitting around the TV with your great–granddaughter sitting on your bladder, and she asks what you did in the Great War, you won’t have to say, “Climb down, honey. Gramma needs to wee.”
All right, Mother, you know how I feel. The decision is yours to make. Oh, one more thing. No matter what you decide, I will be proud to be your daughter, not just because you’re my mother, but because I see you, and I think you’re pretty amazing.
That’s all.
(GENERAL salutes, and ROSIE salutes back.)
ROSIE
Permission to speak, General.
THE GENERAL
At ease.
ROSIE
It’s past your bedtime.
THE GENERAL
Awwwwww.
(Stomps off. ROSIE returns to her famous pose. MUSIC to introduce commercial.)
HOST 2
And now, a message from one of our generous sponsors, Fruit 66!
(MUSIC. SARAH’S MOM and TIMMY’S MOM on a playground.)
SARAH’S MOM
Okay, kids, go work out. Try not to pull any muscles.
TIMMY’S MOM
Finally, a little adult time.
SARAH’S MOM
Oh shoot. I grabbed the kids’ drinks instead of ours.
TIMMY’S MOM
What is it?
SARAH’S MOM
Fruit 66. It’s all–natural sparkling fruit juice. No additives. Sarah loves it.
TIMMY’S MOM
“Great tasting fuel for the mind and body.” Huh. Have you tried it?
(Pops a can and drinks.)
SARAH’S MOM
Nah, it’s for kids. Careful! One sip and you’ll start to regress. Ha ha.
TIMMY’S MOM
Wow. That’s good! And no high fructose corn syrup. I could drink this all day long . . .
SARAH’S MOM
Really? It’s that good? Sarah! Engage your core!
(Pops a can and drinks.)
TIMMY’S MOM
Timmy! Work your abs, son. That’s the only way you’re going to get a six–pack.
SARAH’S MOM
Hey, this is good. “No artificial flavors, colors, caffeine, or preservatives.”
TIMMY’S MOM
Boy, that is one ugly kid you got there.
SARAH’S MOM
Excuse me?
TIMMY’S MOM
Oh gosh, sorry. That just . . . slipped out. Sorry. Timmy! Don’t forget to breathe, honey.
SARAH’S MOM
Good thing you got him working on his body because that is definitely a face only a mother could love.
TIMMY’S MOM
What did you just say?
SARAH’S MOM
I said, your kid’s so ugly when he joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
TIMMY’S MOM
Your kid’s so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
SARAH’S MOM
Your kid’s so ugly you diapered the wrong end.
TIMMY’S MOM
Your kid’s so ugly that when she sits on the beach, cats try to bury her.
SARAH’S MOM
Your kid’s so ugly people go as him for Halloween.
TIMMY’S MOM
Your kid’s so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
SARAH’S MOM
Take that back!
TIMMY’S MOM
You take it back!
SARAH’S MOM
You started it!
TIMMY’S MOM
Did not!
SARAH’S MOM
Did too!
INTERN (or ANNOUNCER)
Fruit 66. It brings out the kid in you.
(MUSIC transition back to HOSTS)
HOST 1
Welcome back to Impulse Buying at Home, where women shop for themselves. If you’re just joining us, we’re featuring the irregular Full Plate Collection. I’m Ruth.
HOST 2
And I’m Naomi.
HOST 1
Tell us about our next irregular plate, Scarlett.
HOST 2
Love to, Melanie.
(Reveal BOOPSIE BLEEP. She wears sunglasses and holds a cell phone to her ear.)
HOST 2
Boopsie Bleep made her screen debut in the 1930s. At age sixteen, she was the first cartoon character to fully represent a sexual woman.
HOST 1
Did you say sixteen, Goneril?
HOST 2
I sure did, Reagen. Her cartoons contained many psychosexual elements, and recurring plots included attempts to compromise her virginity.
HOST 1
Oh my.
HOST 2
That combination of girlishness and sexual maturity was one of the reasons she was so popular.
HOST 1
Why is she wearing sunglasses?
HOST 2
She doesn’t want to be recognized.
HOST 1
Why not?
HOST 2
Would you?
(BABS appears, strikes a pose.)
HOST 1
I bet I know who this is. America’s favorite grown–up doll.
HOST 2
Wow. She looks great for being over fifty. I bet she’s had work done.
HOST 1
Honey, you don’t reach fifty without something going south.
HOST 2
Really? I wouldn’t know . . .
(BOOPSIE and BABS come to waiting room.)
BOOPSIE
I’m poop–oop–a–dooped, Max. I need a change—I know I signed a contract, Max—. Max, listen. I’ll call you after I’m redrawn. And if anybody wants to know where I am, don’t say rehab . . . I don’t care if it is good publicity!
(Hangs up and sits next to BABS.)
BABS
Carrot stick?
BOOPSIE
Oh, thank you just the same, but I don’t have a digestive system.
BABS
Lucky you. I’m getting mine removed.
BOOPSIE
Why?
BABS
I’m too fat. I used to have an eighteen–inch waist. Then I had involuntary surgery to make it thicker.
BOOPSIE
Why did you have involuntary surgery?
BABS
They said my 38–18–34 measurements were “unrealistic,” and that I sent the wrong message to body–conscious girls. Like there’s something wrong with that.
BOOPSIE (Removes shades.)
Oh, I know you. You’re the one with the Hollywood dream house and the gay boyfriend.
BABS
Sorry to correct you, but it’s a mistake a lot of people make. It’s a Malibu dream house. I’m Babs.
BOOPSIE
Pleased to meet you. I’m Boopsie Bleep. Beep–beep–a–deep.
BABS
I used to see your cartoons all the time. You haven’t done anything in a while, have you?
BOOPSIE
No. Will it hurt getting your digestive system removed?
BABS
Not nearly as much as the knee and shin replacements did. But hey, when you have flexible legs, kids are going to bend them the wrong way. Girls aren’t so bad, but when a boy gets hold of me, yowza.
BOOPSIE
What do they do?
BABS
Oh, you know. Hang me by the neck, puncture my eyes with sharp objects, set fire to my hair . . .
BOOPSIE
Typical early–onset misogyny. They can’t beat up their little sisters, so they take it out on their dolls.
BABS
Right. So why are you here, if you don’t mind my asking?
BOOPSIE
I’m getting redrawn.
BABS
Good for you. I’m very proalteration. I think if a woman wants to have her feet reshaped into permanent high heels, that decision should be between her and her reconstructive cartoonist.
BOOPSIE
That’s not the reason I want to be redrawn.
BABS
Oh? What is?
BOOPSIE
This whole bifurcation thing isn’t working for me. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be a winking sex symbol, or an innocent girl in an overly mature body. Too much cognitive dissonance. I’m a wreck.
BABS
Cog—?
BOOPSIE
It’s the Madonna/whore complex—
BABS
Uh huh.
BOOPSIE
A man’s unsatisfiable desire to have his female partner exhibit both wholesomeness and sexuality.
BABS
You’re funny.
BOOPSIE
I don’t want to be a sex symbol anymore. It’s degrading, and reflects poorly on my family. Look at me: short skirt, plunging neckline, a garter— What mother would let her daughter out the door looking like this?
(A STAGE MOM comes in, holding her DAUGHTER’s hand.)
STAGE MOM
‘Scuse me, do you know where the Little Miss Glamour pageant is?
BABS
Ohh, you’re so adorable; you remind me of me. What’s your talent, sweetie?
DAUGHTER (Sings in a breathy voice.)
Happy buhrthday, Mr. Prah–sident. . .
STAGE MOM
Those other little girls are going to get chewed up and spit out.
BABS
You might want to, you know—
(Mimes pushing her breasts up.)
STAGE MOM
You think so? Thank you so much.
BABS
The pageant is down the hall.
DAUGHTER (As they exit.) Happy birthday, to yoooooou . . .
BABS
So, you were saying you don’t want to be a sex symbol . . .
BOOPSIE
But I don’t want to be a sexually developed innocent, either. I want to age up. I want a smaller head and normal sized eyes. Then I’m going to hire a vocal coach to lower my pitch and get rid of this accent. And the next man who tries to take advantage of me is going to get a piece of my mind.
BABS
But Boopsie, you have to think of your audience. In your cartoons, you spend a good amount of time running away from men who want to have their way with you. Your audience likes that.
BOOPSIE
But I don’t like that.
BABS
That’s showbiz.
BOOPSIE
Then maybe it’s time I quit show business. I’ll find a job where I’ll never have to pretend to be dumb again.
(A DOUR WOMAN enters.)
DOUR WOMAN
Excuse me, am I in the right place? I’m here to get my face frozen into a perpetual smile.
BOOPSIE
Why do you want to do that?
DOUR WOMAN
Women are perceived as more trustworthy when they smile a lot. I think it will improve my chances for career advancement. What do you think?
(Smiles for them. The effect is disturbing.)
BABS
Injections are down the hall.
DOUR WOMAN
Thank you.
(DOUR WOMAN exits.)
BABS
A little advice?
BOOPSIE
Beep–beep–a–deep.
BABS
I’ll take that as a yes. Go with what you got. You’re not going to be young forever. You got a cute little figure there, and sure, you’re going to get some unwanted attention, but the day will come when you’ll wonder where it all went. Take it from me. One day you’re 38–18–34 and driving a Corvette in Malibu; the next day you’re hanging from a ceiling fan.
BOOPSIE
But you’re as popular as you ever were.
BABS
Cross marketing. I’ve been around long enough to be a collectors’ item. Then there’s the whole cougar thing.
BOOPSIE
Well, what if I just lower my hemline and get a steady boyfriend? Court a younger audience with my self–conscious wholesomeness?
BABS
Boopsie, either you want to be on the big screen, or you don’t. If you do, then you gotta give ’em what they want. And what they want is for you to be both girlishly innocent and sexually mature.
BOOPSIE
Madonna and the whore.
BABS
That, too.
(LINGERIE MODEL enters.)
LINGERIE MODEL
’Scuse me, is this where I can get my naughty bits photoshopped?
BABS
What do you mean?
LINGERIE MODEL
Well, I’m a lingerie model for a catalog, you see, and I can’t have anything showing in the photos that might make a red state housewife cancel her subscription.
BABS
Pixilating is down the hall.
LINGERIE MODEL
Thank you.
(exits.)
BABS
So, what are you going to do?
(BOOPSIE’s phone rings.)
BOOPSIE
Hi, Max— No, I’m still waiting— Well, something needs to change, but I don’t think getting redrawn is the answer—. Sure, come pick me up—. Okay, Max.
(Snaps her phone shut, puts on sunglasses.)
BOOPSIE
It was a pleasure to meet you, Babs. Good luck getting your eighteen inch waist back.
BABS
Thanks, kid. I’ll see you in the funny papers.
BOOPSIE
(Goes back to her plate, poses.)
Beep–beep–a–deep.
BABS
Whatever.
(MUSIC, a happy, toe–tapping country–western ditty.)
BABS
Are you tired of your rack?
HOST 1
I sure am!
BABS
Wish you could swap it for something different?
HOST 2
I sure do!
BABS
Well, now you can, with Rack ’em Up.
HOST 1
Rack ’em Up? What’s that?
BABS
The modern rack alternative! Now, you can swap your rack for the one that’s right for you!
HOST 2
I like that idea!
BABS
At Rack ’em Up, we have everything you’ve ever dreamed of . . .
Tits and boobies, cans and cones,
Melons, shoulder boulders,
With Rack ’em Up, you can have
Jugs and dairy holders!
Big ol’ titties, itty bitties,
Cupcakes, and grenados,
Lady fingers and humdingers,
Golden Winnebagos.
At Rack ’em Up, you can choose
The rack that suits your chest,
Sister girls! Matching pearls!
Whatever you like best.
HOST 1
That’s great! But we were thinking more along the lines of . . .
HOSTS
Perkies, pillows, pimples, pinkies,
Torpedos and Casabas
Ta–tas, jiggers, dinkies,
Gedoinkers and gazangas
Love puppets, pairs o’ pistols.
Mambas, mams, and mamas,
Watermelons, peachy keens,
Bazookas and Bobambas.
At Rack ’em Up, you can choose
The rack that suits your chest,
Pick whoppers or pick floppers,
Whatever you like best.
HOST 2
How ’bout—
HOSTS
Cadillac bumper bullets,
Blinkers, highbeams, knockers,
Headlights, guns, starter buttons,
Chest horns and chest honkers.
BABS/HOSTS
Bahama mamas, comforters,
Luscious scoops of flesh,
Blouse bunnies, love monkeys,
Plain old chests and breasts.
At Rack ’em Up, you can choose
The rack that suits your chest,
Rolling hills! Diamond Lils!
Whatever you like best.
HOST 1
You’re right! That’s more than I ever dreamed of!
BABS
And they’re only available at Rack ’em Up! Take two and leave two today!
(BABS EXITS.)
HOST 2
Oh! We have a caller! Hello, Mrs. Robinson, you’re on the air.
MRS. ROBINSON
Yes, I’d just like to say that I think Babs looks great, and I’d like to give her a little encouragement. Babs, if you’re listening, don’t let anyone call you a cougar. Now that you’re over fifty, you’re a jaguar, honey! And as long as you prefer to hunt rather than be hunted, you keep that engine purring.
HOST 1
So, how many full plate collections would you like today?
MRS. ROBINSON
Oh, I just want to buy the Babs plate.
HOST 2
I’m sorry, I thought we made it quite clear that we will not break up sets so you can cherry pick from these influential women who never existed.
HOST 1
We did. I believe we made that quite clear.
MRS. ROBINSON
Nevermind, then. It would probably end up in the landfill, anyway.
(Hangs up.)
HOST 1
Do we have another caller?
HOST 2
Yes, this is Venus from Rome.
HOST 1
Hi there, Venus, you’re on the air.
(Beat.)
Venus?
HOST 2
I think she’s having trouble holding the phone.
HOST 1
She doesn’t have a head, either, does she?
HOST 2
She’s not a complete woman, poor thing.
HOST 1
(Takes another call.)
Hi, Tinkerbell, you’re on the air.
(Beat.)
Hello?
HOST 2
Folks at home, if you can’t talk, please don’t call in.
HOST 1
Right, please don’t call in. We need these lines open for paying customers who can talk.
HOST 2
Let’s say hello to Lolita. Hi, Lolita. Please tell me you can talk.
LOLITA (Young voice.)
Yes, I can talk.
HOST 1
Thank Christ.
LOLITA
I don’t understand all the fuss about Boopsie being sexual. Parents think it’s so horrible that teens are exposed to sex so much sooner than they were, but like it or not, it’s out there, and we have opinions about it. But nobody’s asking us our opinion. Maybe if they did, they wouldn’t feel so paranoid all the time. We know what sex is, people. Can we have a dialog?
HOST 1
I think we’ve heard enough from the folks at home for the time being, don’t you agree, Electra?
HOST 2
I certainly do, Clytemnestra. Let’s meet our next plate.
(MUSIC. AUNTIE JJ is revealed.)
HOST 1
Oh my, she looks angry.
HOST 2
Yes, she’s been oppressed, poor thing.
HOST 1
But anger in a woman leads to premature aging and beard growth. She needs to turn that frown upsidedown. We’re trying to sell plates here, and if everybody went around looking like Surly Shirleys, where would we be?
HOST 2
Doing butt clenches in the unemployment line?
HOST 1 (Smile!)
No, silly, we’d be called bitches and ostracized for unladylike behavior.
HOSTS 1 & 2
Now, that’s oppression.
(MUSIC transition. Twelve–step meeting. ANGER MGMT THERAPIST speaks to ATHENA, a disheveled professor of Women’s Studies, who wears Crocs.)
THERAPIST
Name?
ATHENA
Athena.
THERAPIST
Hi, Athena. Welcome to Anger Management Where It’s Not Your Fault. When did you first realize you had trouble controlling your anger?
ATHENA
When I burned my bra.
THERAPIST
And why did that upset you?
ATHENA
I was wearing it at the time.
THERAPIST
Anything else make you angry?
ATHENA
Yes. My students who think that “Ms.” means spinster. That word should be stricken from the dictionary. I choose to be called “Ms.” because my marital status has nothing to do with who I am as a person!
THERAPIST
Have a seat, please.
(OPHELIA, an emotionally unstable young woman, steps up.)
THERAPIST
Name?
OPHELIA
Ophelia.
THERAPIST
Hi, Ophelia. Welcome to Anger Management Where It’s Not Your Fault. What makes you angry?
OPHELIA
A society in which choosing between my father and my boyfriend means I lose both of them. It’s driving me insane. Hey, lover boy! Get your own damn self to a nunnery!
THERAPIST
Would you mind using your inside voice?
OPHELIA
Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?
THERAPIST
Have a seat, please.
(MEDEA, a “real housewife” in spike heels, steps up.)
THERAPIST
Name?
MEDEA
Medea.
THERAPIST
Hi, Medea. Welcome to Anger Management Where It’s Not Your Fault. What makes you angry?
MEDEA (Through clenched teeth.)
Spouses who use their children as weapons against each other.
THERAPIST
You’re going through a divorce?
MEDEA
How could you tell?
THERAPIST
Have a seat, please.
(AUNTIE JJ steps up.)
THERAPIST
Ohhh, I recognize you. You’re Aunt . . .
AUNTIE JJ
Don’t say it! No offense, but I am not your relation. They just gave me that name to make me more user friendly to white people.
THERAPIST
What should we call you, then?
AUNTIE JJ
Call me The Trademark Formerly Known as Auntie JJ.
THERAPIST
Hi, Trademark Formerly Known as Auntie JJ. Welcome to Anger Management Where It’s Not Your Fault. What makes you angry?
AUNTIE JJ
Skinny bitches.
THERAPIST
Excuse me?
AUNTIE JJ
If I so much as see another skinny bitch, I’m going to mess her up.
ALL
It’s not your fault.
THERAPIST
What brings you to the meeting today?
(AUNTIE JJ finds herself addressing the meeting.)
AUNTIE JJ
Well, my boss says I have to learn to get hold of my anger or else I’m fired. What happened was, they had their corporate pancake breakfast this morning, and well, I started a food fight.
ALL
It’s not your fault.
AUNTIE JJ
That’s what I told her! Sometimes I just wake up angry, fit to kick a dog for no good reason. Not a big dog. Just a little yappy dog that has it comin’.
THERAPIST
And what made you start a food fight?
AUNTIE JJ
It all started yesterday, when I went to see my boss. She’s skinny like Whitney after she turned into a pod. And I told her I was bone tired of slinging pancakes and asked how come I keep getting passed over for promotions? And she said she needed me to stay where I was because my face sells lots of pancake mix. I told her I had ideas that could sell more pancake mix than my old face ever could if she’d just give me the chance. I asked her, weren’t sisters supposed to look after one another? But she wasn’t interested, just said something about how “every rainbow has a time to shine in the rain,” or some such Oprah–fried crappity crap.
(Rumblings. The room bristles.)
THERAPIST
All right, everyone, breathe deeply . . . in . . . out . . . Um, Trademark Formerly Known as Auntie JJ? We try not to make comments on other people’s religion here, so if you don’t mind . . .
AUNTIE JJ
But Oprah isn’t a religion.
(Growing unrest.)
THERAPIST
Please, just go on with your story.
AUNTIE JJ
So then, at the pancake breakfast, skinny boss comes up to me and starts praising me up and down, like nobody can mix powder and water and pour in into a skillet like I can, like I’m splittin’ the atom or something. And, I don’t know, something in me just snapped. Next thing I know, everybody’s wearing pancakes and I’m looking at my second written warning. It’s bad enough I lost my temper and made a fool of myself, but now I don’t know if I’m ever going to get a promotion.
ALL
It’s not your fault.
THERAPIST
Yeaaaah, this one is pretty much her fault. Trademark Formerly Known as Auntie JJ, your boss is right. You have to find a way to control your anger.
AUNTIE JJ
How can I? I’ve been held down since I was born. First, a slave trader threw me in the bowels of a ship. Then a food company put me on their box. Then they made me into a syrup bottle. I’ve been chained to something all my life. I have earned my anger.
ATHENA
Oh, come on. We’re all in this together. You’re not the only one who’s been oppressed. It’s not a black thing; it’s a woman thing.
OPHELIA
It’s a father thing. It’s a lover thing. My father, my lover; my father, my lover . . .
THERAPIST
That’s enough, Ophelia.
OPHELIA
Was I talking again? Sorry.
MEDEA
You know what oppresses me?
(Points at ATHENA’s shoes.)
MEDEA
Crocs! Their mere existence is a personal affront. If I wanted to wear butt–fugly shoes made from tires, I’d become a liberal.
ATHENA
Well, spike heels throw out your alignment and give you hammertoe.
MEDEA
Maybe so, but they sure make your booty look good.
ALL (High fives or fist bumps all around.)
True that, sister woman.
Mos def.
Sing out, Louise!
MS
They personify oppression!
AUNTIE JJ
Excuse me, Athena, but until you’ve been kidnapped, shackled and tossed into the belly of a rat–infested slave ship, you don’t know what oppression is.
THERAPIST
Now hold on. No one here has the monopoly on oppression. Like Athena said, we’re all in this together.
AUNTIE JJ
Sure doesn’t feel that way. I got used to the man. I got used to the Pope. I even got used to the glass ceiling. What I didn’t see coming was my own reflection. I thought sisters were supposed to help each other, not pull each other down like crabs in a bucket.
ATHENA
Welcome to the real world, Trademark. Women have been distrustful of each other ever since Eve was thrown out of the garden.
AUNTIE JJ
Eve? What’s she got to do with how women treat one another?
ATHENA
Everything. Eve’s story has been used as justification to hold women responsible for all the misfortunes suffered by humankind.
AUNTIE JJ
But she gave Adam the forbidden fruit!
ATHENA
Hello? It’s called sharing.
AUNTIE JJ
Well, she still shouldn’t have done it.
ATHENA
Many people agree with you. That’s why, no matter what women might achieve, the story of Eve warns men not to trust women, and warns women not to trust each other. And until we can forgive one another, we’ll never trust ourselves.
AUNTIE JJ
Forgive each another for what?
ATHENA
For being smarter. Prettier. More successful. For being stronger, more fertile, more lucky in love. For reminding each other of what is possible, and how far away those possibilities still seem.
AUNTIE JJ
So, if we forgive each other, we won’t be angry anymore?
THERAPIST
It’s not quite that simple. You’re still going to get angry, Trademark, and if you don’t learn how to manage it, you’re going to lose your job, or worse. Now, I want you think for a minute. When you get angry, what’s the first thing you do?
AUNTIE JJ
Eat.
THERAPIST
Good. And when did you start using food to make yourself feel better?
AUNTIE JJ
The first time I smelled a pancake. I was so angry, it seemed like I couldn’t eat enough. That’s still the way it is.
THERAPIST
How do the rest of you express your anger?
ATHENA
I grade on a scale where no one can get an A.
MEDEA
I scream at the kids.
OPHELIA
I sing my suicide note into a mirror using my hairbrush as a microphone.
THERAPIST
And what do you have to show for those behaviors?
AUNTIE JJ
Diabetes.
ATHENA
Poor teacher evaluations.
MEDEA
Two ex–husbands and emotionally abused kids.
OPHELIA
An online community where I’m known as Hey Nutty Nonny.
THERAPIST
And do you like the consequences of oppressing yourself in this way?
AUNTIE JJ
Oh snap. I believe I just had a breakthrough. I’m oppressing myself when I let my anger fly. I’m self–oppressed! In fact, I’m the most self–oppressed woman there ever was!
ATHENA
Excuse me, but I think I have you beat. I want to be left alone, then get depressed when nobody friends me on Facebook. What’s going on there?
MEDEA
That’s nothing. I started a messy custody battle and screwed up my kids up for the rest of their lives. How warped is that?
OPHELIA
What about me? I sabotage every relationship I’m in because I’m afraid of what my father might think. Who am I going to blame that on?
ATHENA
No, see, bad grammar is another thing that makes me angry.
(Turns to OPHELIA.)
“On whom am I going to blame that?”
OPHELIA
Well, don’t look at me. I got my own problems.
AUNTIE JJ
So what happens now?
THERAPIST
You either learn how to express your anger in a socially appropriate manner, or you end up depressed, divorced, and binge–eating in front of your mirror until you’re dead.
AUNTIE JJ (Beat.)
That did it for me.
ATHENA
Me too.
MEDEA
Yep.
OPHELIA
Sold.
(ATHENA, MEDEA, and OPHELIA exit, sharing anger stories. AUNTIE JJ lags behind.)
THERAPIST
Trademark?
AUNTIE JJ
You can call me JJ.
THERAPIST
JJ, the things you were subjected to in the past were truly not your fault. I’m sure your anger helped you survive, and even helped you get this far. But do you ever wonder how far you could go without it?
(Beat.)
See you next week?
AUNTIE JJ
See you next week.
(MUSIC. AUNTIE JJ returns to her plate, and smiles.)
HOST 2
Now, that’s more like it!
HOST 1
Our operators are standing by! Let’s hear from another caller. I believe we have Pipi on the line. Hi, Pipi! You’re on the air.
PIPI (Young voice.)
I have a question.
HOSTS
Uh huh.
Go right ahead.
PIPI
What’s a glass ceiling?
HOST 2
It’s a metaphor, Pipi. When women climb the corporate ladder, but still can’t break through to the highest positions, they are said to hit the glass ceiling.
PIPI
That’s stupid.
HOSTS
We know.
PIPI
No, I mean, it’s stupid you call it that, cuz if it’s made of glass, you can sure as bet there’s some poor woman cleaning it.
HOST 1
Did you wish to buy the full plate collection, Pipi?
PIPI
No, I just want the Babs plate.
HOST 1
What is the deal with everyone wanting to buy just Babs? She isn’t perfect, you know.
HOST 2
Yes, she is.
HOSTS 1
We have four other perfectly good plates here.
HOST 2
Yes, but they don’t live in a dream house in Malibu and wear fabulous clothes.
HOST 1
That doesn’t make her perfect. That makes her lucky.
HOST 2
Close enough.
HOST 1
Girls today have a lot more choices than being perfect.
Perfection is a myth. Nobody can live up to that self–expectation.
HOST 2
Well, some of us try.
PIPI
Hello? Do I get my Babs plate or not?
HOST 1
No! We can’t break a set! How many times do we have to say it?
HOST 2
I think someone needs a break. Let’s hear from another one of our generous sponsors, Electric Power, Incorporated.
GARY
Hello, I’m Gary Akers, president and owner of Electric Power, Incorporated in Chester. If you’re a woman, you may want to pick up my book: Gary Aker’s Handbook for the Woman Electrician. Ladies, even though these tips should only be carried out by qualified electronics engineers or technicians, it’s my personal belief that women are capable of complicated thought processes, and will follow directions if rewarded.
(MICROWAVE WOMAN steps up with a small microwave oven. HER eyes are bandaged.)
MICROWAVE WOMAN
Hi, Gary. This morning, my microwave sparked and smoked, and then a bright ZZZIIISSSHHH light inside the oven left me blind. Is there a quick fix you can recommend?
GARY
Inside your oven compartment, do you see that fiberboard covering the top?
MICROWAVE WOMAN
Uh, no.
GARY
Well, locate it the best you can, and remove it.
(MICROWAVE WOMAN attempts removal.)
GARY
It acts as a magnetic field, and bits of food tend to stick to it. Over time, the particles dry up and turn into carbon, and if it arcs out on this fiberboard, you get a light show.
(The oven shocks MICROWAVE WOMAN.)
MICROWAVE WOMAN
Sonofabitch!
GARY
Oh, unplug the oven first.
(Next.)
DVD PLAYER WOMAN
Hi Gary. My DVD player acts possessed. The DVD only spins, then spins backward, then mutters, “Paul is dead.” How do I get a picture?
GARY
You have a dirty optic. You’ll need to clean it. 75% of the time, you can start seeing things again with a little alcohol. Go ahead and try it.
(CD PLAYER WOMAN chugs seriously from a bottle or flask.)
CD PLAYER WOMAN
Whoa. Thanks, Gary.
(Next.)
VIDEO GAME WOMAN
Hi Gary. After playing his video game for sixteen straight hours, my son’s game box went dead. What do I do?
GARY
Replace the fan. If it happens again, you may be getting a visit from the friendly folks at family services.
VIDEO GAME WOMAN
Oh, okay. Thanks!
GARY
That’s all the time we have for this edition of Gary Aker’s Handbook for the Woman Electrician. This is Gary Akers saying, “Keep on plugging.” See you next time.
(MUSIC. Back to our show.)
(MUSIC transition. A poker table is set up inside an open–sided packing crate. BETSY wears a pantsuit; AUNTIE JJ wears a dress; BOOPSIE is in a loose top; ROSIE wears cammo fatigues; and BABS is Babs. We hear APPLAUSE, then the HOSTS in the nearby studio.)
HOST 2
Your plates are packed in bubble wrap to make sure they arrive at your home safe and sound.
HOST 1
Fully insured and guaranteed to please. . . !
BETSY
Who needs something to eat? Babs?
BABS
No, thank you. I just threw up.
ROSIE
My deal.
(Shuffles, deals, etc.)
BETSY
Cookie, JJ?
AUNTIE JJ
No, Sugar.
BETSY
Yes, they do have sugar.
AUNTIE JJ
No, I said, “No, Sugar.”
BETSY
Yeees. Sugar.
(JJ gives one of her looks.)
BOOPSIE
What’s next for you, Babs?
BABS
I’m going to be packaged and marketed as one of the hosts of Impulse Buying at Home.
ROSIE
Just because you dress the part, doesn’t mean you can actually do the job.
BABS
I could be one of those hosts, easy. Observe.
(Adopts host persona.)
And now, for your impulse buying pleasure, may I present the newest American icon, Miss Disney Pole Dancer.
(The others appreciate this.)
With supple dexterity and tasteful choreography, Miss Disney Pole Dancer celebrates the creative spirit and can–do attitude that made this country great.
But wait! That’s not all!
When you buy Miss Disney Pole Dancer today, you’ll get this special bonus plate: Miss Faded Beauty! Once a celebrity, now a washed–up alcoholic, Miss Faded Beauty is sure to become the next great female archetype, so get yours today!
BOOPSIE
That’s pretty cynical.
ROSIE
It’s hard not to be cynical while we sit in a crate waiting for women to buy what we’re selling.
BETSY
Cookie, Rosie? They have sugar.
ROSIE
Thank you.
BETSY
Are you still building bombers, Rosie?
ROSIE
No, I fly them.
AUNTIE JJ
Five card stud, aces wild.
(All ante, etc. Once again, we hear the HOSTS from the nearby studio.)
HOST 1
We just want to remind you folks at home that if you want to pay for your full plate collection with proof of womanhood, we ask that you stop sending dead women to our studio. Were we not clear before, Sherry?
HOST 2
Apparently not, Lambchop. We asked you to dig up tokens from your personal female history, not dig up persons from your female history. Can you hear the difference?
ROSIE
Does anybody know why we’re not moving off this shipping dock?
BETSY
We’re waiting on the bonus plate.
ROSIE
Is it coming?
BETSY
I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.
ROSIE
How much longer are we going to have to wait?
BOOPSIE
Is that an existential question? Because according to Beckett, there’s nothing to be done but hold the terrible silence at bay.
BETSY (Beat.)
Cheese ball?
ROSIE
Who is this bonus plate, anyway?
AUNTIE JJ
We won’t know until she gets here.
ROSIE
Is she an influential woman who never existed?
AUNTIE JJ
I guess so. Who’s turn is it?
BOOPSIE
Mine. I’m calculating the pot odds.
BABS
Bet one of those purply ones.
BOOPSIE
Raise.
AUNTIE JJ
Reraise. Ha!
BOOPSIE
All in.
AUNTIE JJ
What?! Are you trying to raise my blood pressure?
BOOPSIE
If that’s what it takes.
BETSY
This is nice, isn’t it? All of us together, having a nice game of cutthroat poker.
BETSY
I hear you’re climbing the corporate ladder, JJ. I take it you got your anger under control.
AUNTIE JJ
Working on it. I’m embracing my cultural roots instead of being ticked off at them all the time.
BABS
Very wise. Anger is not good for the complexion.
AUNTIE JJ
Yeah, well. Neither is slavery or world hunger.
BABS
Oh, I get upset about slavery and world hunger, too, but after a little retail therapy, I can usually forget about them.
ROSIE
Deal moves to the left.
BABS
Does anyone want to play Old Maid?
ALL
No!
(Sulking, BABS pops bubble wrap. The others play in silence until . . . )
AUNTIE JJ
Babs, if you pop one more bubble, I’m gonna have to chew your fingers off.
BABS
Well, I’m tired of poker. If we don’t get shipped out of here soon, I’m going to lose my gay following.
BETSY
Patience is a virtue, dear. All we can do is wait.
BABS
But what if we’re not waiting on a bonus plate at all? What if the reason we’re sitting here is because one of us is not as popular as the others?
AUNTIE JJ
You better not be looking at me.
BABS
Well, what if you’re the one who’s holding us back?
AUNTIE JJ
What if I pinch off your head and use it for a poker chip?
ROSIE
That’s enough, you two. I see too much fighting as it is. War is hell.
BABS
We know, Rosie, because you’re always talking about it, like it’s this big deal and all. War, war, war! Maybe women don’t like hearing about war all the time.
ROSIE
Of course they do. War provides economic opportunities for women. I’m paving the way for more women to enter the military.
BABS
Maybe women don’t want to enter the military. Maybe women just want to have fun.
ROSIE
That’s crazy talk.
BOOPSIE
Lots of people argue women have no place in the military, Rosie.
ROSIE
Those arguments are sexist.
BOOPSIE
Sometimes, but I’ve heard compelling safety arguments, too.
ROSIE
Do you really want to have this conversation with me?
(BETSY screams.)
ALL
Praise the Lord!
Man down! Man down!
Betsy, what is it?
I think I just wet myself.
BETSY
A mouse. In a trap. I’m sorry; it just startled me.
ROSIE
Where?
BETSY
Behind that bubble wrap.
ROSIE
I’ll get it. Poor little critter. Stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.
BETSY
Is it gone?
ROSIE
Yes, it’s gone. Are you okay?
BETSY
Just a little on edge is all. I haven’t been sleeping well.
(A whistle blows.)
AUNTIE JJ
It’s quitting time already? We have to sit here for another day? What’s the problem here?
BETSY
I think maybe Babs is right.
BABS
Of course, I’m right.
(Beat.)
What am I right about?
BETSY
Us. Maybe we don’t have much relevance, anymore. In our time, maybe, but not anymore.
ROSIE
Oh, I don’t know. I still represent some solid feminist ideals.
BETSY
You think so? What I get from you is that women are supposed to be happy with the seventy cents we make for every dollar a man makes. How is that feminist?
ROSIE
Okay, maybe we still have a ways to go, but I helped pave the way for women entering the workplace. There’s nothing a woman can’t do if she puts her mind to it.
BETSY
I don’t think that’s true.
ROSIE
But it’s a lot better than it was, thanks to women like me. We cleared the road for women today.
BETSY
Maybe, but you left a few traps lying around.
ROSIE
What do you mean?
BETSY
It’s just . . . it’s all so confusing. We’re told to go back to school so we can get better jobs, then get accused of destroying the family because we don’t stay home. Which one is it? Do we reach for the brass ring, or will we be accused of “blind ambition?” Are we supposed to stand by our man, or ditch him when he gets caught with his pants down? The double standard is still alive and well as far as I’m concerned.
AUNTIE JJ
You okay, Betsy? Is everything all right at home?
BOOPSIE
No, everything isn’t all right at home.
AUNTIE JJ
Uh oh. What’s that husband of yours up to now?
BETSY
Nothing. I didn’t mean . . . I’m sorry; can we change the subject?
BABS
Oh! Did you hear? Ma Bell was caught in delecte flagrante with a married man! I’d give anything to know who that was!
AUNTIE JJ (Off BETSY’s reaction.)
That’s enough, Babs. Come on over here and pick up these cards. It’s your deal.
BABS
I’m sitting this one out.
ROSIE
Then stop gossiping.
AUNTIE JJ
Boopsie, did you get redrawn?
BOOPSIE
Yes, I did.
AUNTIE JJ
I thought so. You look good with a few extra pounds on you. What have you been eating?
BABS
She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t have a digestive system.
BOOPSIE
No, but I do have a reproductive system.
AUNTIE JJ
Boopsie! Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
BOOPSIE
Beep–beep–a–deep.
BABS
That’s wonderful! You can market your own line of designer diapers. You could call them Oopsie Poopsies.
AUNTIE JJ
But you don’t have a husband.
BOOPSIE
Not in the traditional sense, no.
AUNTIE JJ
Not in any kind of sense! What were you thinking?
BOOPSIE
I was thinking that there are lots of nontraditional American families whose values aren’t always represented or respected, and they need an icon, too.
AUNTIE JJ
Boopsie, not everybody’s ready for an “it takes a village” icon. No wonder this TV show is selling three Babs plates to every Boopsie Bleep.
BABS
Everyone knows me. I’ll be around forever.
ROSIE
That’s because you’re the cockroach of the icons. In a post–holocaust world, there will be cockroaches and you.
BABS
Have you got a problem with me?
ROSIE
Yes, I have a problem. Girls who play with Babs dolls grow up obsessing about their weight and their wedding day.
BABS
So?
ROSIE
Why is a wedding day the most important date in a girl’s life? Why will a young woman risk her health to fit into a dress two sizes too small? Because of you.
BOOPSIE
Take it easy, Rosie, she’s just a doll.
ROSIE
She’s a viral carrier for political sexist propaganda.
BOOPSIE
So your daughter didn’t play with a Babs doll when she was little?
ROSIE
No, she did, but—
BOOPSIE
Did she want to be like her?
BABS
At first, but—
BOOPSIE
She grew out of it.
ROSIE
Of course. She didn’t see the point after a while.
BOOPSIE
So why don’t you give other girls a little credit? Why do you assume they won’t come to realize, like your daughter did, that Babs is concerned only with material wealth and possessions at the expense of spiritual and intellectual values?
BABS
Yeah! Wait . . .
ROSIE
Well, I still think she’s the reason we’re still sitting in this crate.
BETSY
Leave her alone. Babs is no more harmful than the icons young girls admire now.
AUNTIE JJ
Like who?
BETSY
Well, those vampires in books and on TV, for instance.
AUNTIE JJ
Oh, Lord help me, I can’t keep my grandbaby away from those teenage vampire books. Vampires are against the Bible, and those books should be banned.
BETSY
There’s nothing wrong with vampires. They sleep all day, fly everywhere for free, and can’t see themselves in a mirror. Where do I sign up?
AUNTIE JJ
So, we’re losing popularity to vampires?
BETSY
And celebrities too, it looks like.
AUNTIE JJ
Lord, help us.
BOOPSIE
That’s so empty and sad.
BETSY
Maybe we’re all empty and said. Maybe the full plate collection is empty and sad.
(They look at her.)
I mean, look at us, still trapped in dead–end jobs, forced into merchandising agreements that pay us a pittance . . .
BABS
Speak for yourself—
BETSY
. . . stuck in a stupid crate inside a stupid warehouse waiting to be purchased by someone who thinks we’re “retro chic.” I didn’t sign up for this.
BOOPSIE
Betsy, honey—
BETSY
And I didn’t sign up for a husband who sits around belching and watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle! What the hell happened? One day I’m America’s First Lady of Food, the next day I’m making cakes from a box and considering divorce.
AUNTIE JJ
Oh no, Betsy—
BETSY
What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I get it together like other women my age?
ROSIE
What other women?
BETSY
You know! Those other women, the ones in nail salons paying other women forty dollars to paint their toes purple. The ones with business degrees carrying around computer phones. The ones with faithful husbands, and interesting hobbies, and a list of places they want to see. I hate those women. I hate their clothes; I hate their hair; I hate their kids; and I would give anything to be one of them for fifteen minutes. And while I’m at it, I hate Ma Bell; I hate my husband; and I hate my life.
BABS
Why do I feel like I’m in a scene from Steel Magnolias?
BETSY
I think I need a career change.
BABS
You can have one of mine. Oh, I know! “Mother Teresa Babs.” I didn’t stay with that one very long.
BOOPSIE
What are you thinking about, Betsy?
BETSY
I’ve been thinking about public service. I have a lot to offer. I know things.
BOOPSIE
I think that’s a wonderful idea.
BETSY
Really?
BOOPSIE
Really. I think you’d make a terrific president.
BETSY
Well, I don’t know about that. I’m just a homemaker with a colorful personal narrative and a good hairdo.
(Applause from the next studio, followed by...)
HOST 1
Folks at home, I don’t hear any phones ringing over here, and we are not going off the air until we have unloaded every single plate in this warehouse. So if you ever want to see your regularly scheduled program again, I suggest you start pressing buttons.
HOST 2
I’m not sure that threatening the folks at home is the best sales approach, Ruby.
HOST 1
Oh bite me, Sapphire.
ROSIE
Did you really mean what you said? That the full plate collection is empty and sad?
BOOPSIE
Well, let’s face it. We’re responsible for a lot of the stereotyping that goes on out there.
ROSIE
But we’re still icons, and we have important things to say.
BOOPSIE
But nobody seems to be listening.
ROSIE
So, what do we do?
BOOPSIE
We . . . evolve.
BETSY
Not again.
BOOPSIE
Darwin called it natural selection.
(Fanning her cards.)
We keep what works . . .
(Removes two cards)
. . . and discard what doesn’t.
(DEALER gives her two cards.)
Then work with what we’ve got.
ROSIE
She’s right! Let’s get out there and show them we aren’t yesterday’s icons; that we can still inspire women to become the best versions of themselves they can be!
ALL
Yeah!
Let’s get out there!
Hoo hoo hoo!
BABS
Wait. Before you run out there and set the world on fire, no offense, ladies, but y’all need a makeover.
(In her host persona.)
And while our influential women who never existed are catching up on decades of cosmetic advances, let’s hear from one of our sponsors! Don’t go away! We’ll be right back.
(MUSIC transition into commercial.)
GOOD MOM
Hi, I’m Good Mom.
BAD MOM
And I’m Bad Mom.
GOOD MOM
I read to my child every night before bed.
BAD MOM
I give my kid liquid Tylenol and he’s out like a light.
GOOD MOM
For my child’s birthday party, I assemble gift bags for all her little friends.
BAD MOM
For my kid’s birthday party, I pick up stuff at yard sales and hose them off.
GOOD MOM
I walk my child to the bus stop every morning.
BAD MOM
I give my kid a cell phone and point him in the right direction.
GOOD MOM
For a healthy treat, I give my child Fruit 66. It’s all–natural sparkling juice with no sugar or additives.
BAD MOM
I give my kid cola. It rots his teeth and . . . wait. What?
GOOD MOM
Fruit 66. An eight–ounce can is the equivalent of one serving of fruit.
BAD MOM
You’re shitting me.
GOOD MOM
I don’t shit.
BAD MOM
Of course you don’t.
ANNOUNCER
Fruit 66. No shit.
(MUSIC transition. Back to our live program.)
HOST 1
Hello!
HOST 2
Hello!
HOST 1
I’m Cagney!
HOST 2
And I’m Lacey!
HOST 1
Welcome to Impulse Buying at Home, where women shop for themselves. Today we’re offering the new and evolved full plate collection.
HOST 2
I’m ready to see the first plate, aren’t you, Princess Vespa?
HOST 1
I am, Dot Matrix.
HOST 2
Then let’s begin. May we have our first plate, please?
(BETSY enters as before. She has evolved into a Sarah Palin type. She wears a sash: Miss Domesticity. Others will have sashes as well.)
HOST 1
Are you ready, Miss Domesticity?
BETSY
I am.
HOST 1
Here is your question. What role will domesticity play in the often uncivil world of politics? You have one minute.
(Countdown music or tick–tock.)
BETSY
Well, I do believe that the world of politics is often uncivil, but we shouldn’t say that politicians act like children. That does a great disservice to children.
Incivility in politics is nothing new. Jefferson and Adams called each other everything from a horse thief to an agent of Satan. Then women pierced the inner sanctum, and a quieter, gentler atmosphere prevailed—at least, for a little while.
Today, I believe civility requires that every politician place society above his or her personal gain. Therefore, I plan to submit to Congress the “Don’t Make Me Come Over There” Bill, which calls for civility in campaigns and government. As more women enter public service, I believe civil discourse will one day become as natural as chewing with your mouth closed.
And that’s the role I believe domesticity can play in the world of politics.
(Musical fanfare. HOST 2 picks up a trophy and thrusts it in BETSY’s hands.)
HOST 2
Wonderful, simply wonderful.
HOST 1
But we haven’t heard from the other contestants yet.
HOST 2
I don’t care.
(To BETSY)
You have my vote.
HOST 1
Our next question is for Ms. Corporate Climber.
(AUNTIE JJ steps up. She is a top level VP of a food conglomerate.)
HOST 1
Are you ready Ms. Corporate Climber?
AUNTIE JJ
Talk to JJ.
HOST 1
Here is your question. What advice would give to young African–American women who wish to break the glass ceiling? You have one minute.
(Countdown music or tick–tock)
AUNTIE JJ
What advice would I give to young African–American women? That’s easy. Aspire to be Babs. The bitch has everything.
(Beat.)
That music is plucking on my every nerve. Y’all want to cut that out?
(Music out.)
I would also say this to my young sisters, black or white. There is no such thing as the good old boys club. Sure, there are barriers to success, but that’s part of capitalism, good or bad. If you have what it takes, you’ll get in the club.
As for that glass ceiling, keep this in mind: your glass ceiling is somebody else’s glass floor. After you break it, you still got a mess to sweep up. Chief executive officers do not have the best jobs. I’m a top–level VP, and I have the best job. I have loads of responsibility and get paid plenty, but I don’t have the huge risk and liability of a CEO or CFO, and I don’t want it.
I’m not telling you to hold yourself back. Reach for that brass ring if that’s what you want, all power to you. And when you do, you give your Auntie JJ a call. I’ll send down the elevator to help you to the top.
And that’s the advice I would give to young women who wish to break the glass ceiling.
(Musical fanfare.)
HOST 1
Thank you, Ms. Corporate Climber!
(HOST 1 takes away BETSY’S trophy, gives it AUNTIE JJ.)
BETSY
Hey!
HOST 2
That was inspiring! You’re my hero.
(AUNTIE JJ steps down.)
HOST 1
Our next question is for Ms. Economic Empowerment.
(ROSIE steps up. She is a five–star General. She is also missing her right arm. Her sleeve is neatly pinned to her shoulder.)
HOST 1
Here is your question: After World War II, you supported the war effort by voluntarily giving up your job so that a returning veteran could fill it. Now that you are a returning veteran yourself, what support are you receiving in return for your service to your country?
GENERAL
Now that I am a veteran myself, the support I am receiving in return for my service is . . .
HOST 2
Would you like me to repeat the question?
GENERAL
No, I understand the question.
(Beat.)
Afghanistan is an equal opportunity war. The General . . . I mean, my daughter saw combat and faced the same dangers, saw the same horrors, suffered the same wounds as male soldiers. She deserved the same support from the government when she returned home. But she didn’t get it.
My daughter was among the 200,000 women who flooded the Veterans Affairs medical system during the wars, and the system was not ready. The typical VA hospital was built in the 1950s and designed to treat men. Today’s reality is this: Thirty percent of women serving in the military have been sexually assaulted or raped by fellow soldiers, the same soldiers they’ve pledged to protect, and who have pledged to protect them. Therapy groups or medical facilities staffed with men does not and cannot fill the particular medical needs of those who suffer from Military Sexual Trauma.
I’m going to lead the effort to drag into this century the rehabilitation equipment and services of the Veteran’s Administration. It’s the best way I can think of to honor the memories of my husband, my mother, and the General, may they rest in peace.
HOST 1
Thank you, Ms. Economic Empowerment.
(ROSIE steps down. MUSIC begins. HOST 1 tries to takes trophy from AUNTIE JJ, who won’t give it up. JJ finally lets go, and it goes to ROSIE.)
HOST 1
Our next question is for Ms. Sexual Responsibility!
(BOOPSIE, a full nine–months pregnant, steps up. Her little girl voice has fully matured.)
HOST 1
Are you ready, Ms. Sexual Responsibility?
BOOPSIE
Beep–beep–a–deep.
HOST 1
Here is your question. When your daughter becomes a teenager, will you encourage her to pursue an iconic place in popular culture?
BOOPSIE
When my daughter becomes a teenager, I will not encourage her to pursue an iconic place in popular culture. Popular culture is fashioned by advertisers who rate market values over human values. The free market ignores, if not undermines the notion of social responsibility.
But, neither will I discourage my teenage daughter from pursuing a place in popular culture, because I will raise her to be more emotionally mature than I was.
I believe millions more kids are abused by silence than by leering pedophiles. I also believe kids who are kept ignorant are kept exploitable. Instead of blocking the distribution of condoms at school, and in every way making it difficult for kids to act responsibly, we should give them charge of their bodies. In the nationwide discussion about protecting kids from the sickos who prey on them, the kids are missing. And by refusing kids our trust, we encourage them to refuse us theirs.
So I will steer my daughter carefully through the hypocrisy of popular culture, but I probably won’t let her wear a garter.
(Musical fanfare. HOST 1 takes trophy from ROSIE, hands it to BOOPSIE. BOOPSIE tries to give it back, but ROSIE won’t take it. AUNTIE JJ finally steps in and grabs it for herself.)
HOST 1
Our last question is for Ms. Carefree Perfection.
(BABS, in a pageant gown and tiara, steps up.)
HOST 1
Here is your question: You have been accused of being a bad influence on young girls because of your lifestyle and body image. What do you say to your detractors?
BABS
Because I have been accused of being a bad influence on young girls because of my lifestyle and body image, I say to my detractors . . .
(Raspberry.)
I’m an adult. I work. I buy stuff. I have choices. I’ve never been dependent on Ken, or anybody else. I have lots of friends, a big extended family, and have survived fifty years of criticism, ridicule and abuse. That has given me an acute survival instinct, and a solid sense of self. I don’t think those things are so terrible.
So what if my measurements have no correlation to the real world? I’m a doll.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because you underestimated me, and because my worth has grown more than your stock portfolio.
And that’s what I say to my critics today.
(Musical fanfare. BABS approaches AUNTIE JJ for the trophy. AUNTIE JJ wards her off with a look.)
HOST 1
And there you have it, folks at home, the new and evolved full plate collection.
BOOPSIE
Excuse me. Can we say something more?
HOST 1
Well, this is a little irregular, but I suppose so.
(During next, the ICONS merge into a single figure, and form a tableau.)
BOOPSIE
I just want to say I am honored and humbled to have been a female American icon all these years.
ROSIE
We want women to know that we realize you are complicated, and we do you an injustice by suggesting you can be typed.
BETSY
But we were never meant to be sold singly. Each of us represents only one aspect of a woman’s experience.
BOOPSIE
A total woman embodies all that we represent.
BABS
After all, we’re the full plate collection.
AUNTIE JJ
And together, we’re the New Ms. American icon.
(Applause. Fanfare.)
HOST 2
(As if receiving news through an earpiece.)
What’s that? Orders for the full plate collection are burning up the phone lines? Well, that’s wonderful! It looks like we’re going to need lots of bonus plates, after all!
HOST 1
I think I’m going to pass out!
HOST 2
But all the folks at home want to know who the bonus plate is.
HOST 1
And we won’t keep them in suspense any longer. Folks at home, here she is at long last: your bonus plate!
(ICONS talk at once, in round robin. From here forward, they move and talk as a single unit. MUSIC builds over next.)
BETSY
I am the First Lady of Food, and will one day be First Lady.
AUNTIE JJ
I am a corporate climber, and I broke the glass ceiling.
ROSIE
I am economic empowerment, and serve my country.
BOOPSIE BLEEP
I am a teen sex symbol, and responsible for my body.
BABS
I am carefree perfection, and girls, it’s okay to have to fun.
(MUSIC. Reprise “Cooking with Gas.”)
HOST 2
Simply call, text, Twitter, blither, blather, or channel your order right now. Our operators are standing by.
HOST 1
A big thank you to our sponsors, Electric Power, Incorporated, and Fruit 66!
HOST 2
Let’s have one last round of applause for our bonus plate, the New Ms. American icon!
(The icons acknowledge as a unit.)
HOST 1
And the rest of our talented cast!
HOST 1
Good night, Sasha!
HOST 2
Good night, Melia!
ALL
Bye!
(Blackout.)
THE END
Contributor’s notes
Introduction
Cast & Crew
Playwright’s Notes
Director’s Notes