Malvolio the Magician
from Unseen Character
(A handsome man puts out his cigarette on the lid of a garbage can. He sits on a bar stool.)
Can I buy you a drink? Don’t tell me you come to a bar to drink water. Let me get you some wine. Bartender! Get this man some cold white wine. Or would you rather have red? It’s kind of chilly outside. That’s why I wore a scarf. Let’s make it red. Make it two red wines!
(Silence as he waits for the two red wines.)
I watched a Spanish family make wine one time in La Mancha. It’s fascinating to watch wine being made in La Mancha. It’s one of the oldest wine regions in Spain. It’s close to Madrid. Way up high on a plateau.
(He takes a big sip.)
Good wine, though, don’t you think? Most people sip wine. But you’re like me. You gulp it down. Don’t matter if it’s wine or water. Coca-Cola or coffee. You gulp it down like I do. You’re more of a beer drinker, though, aren’t you? Let’s get you a beer. What kind of beer you want? Falstaff? You like Falstaff? Made right here in St. Louis. Let’s have two big Falstaffs! We should also have a shot of whisky. Kentucky straight bourbon. Let’s have some whisky. I want two Falstaffs and two glasses, no ice, of Kentucky straight bourbon.
I feel like a magician. Turning water into wine into beer into whisky. We deserve a little magic, don’t you think? We sad, sad boys deserve a little bit of magic. I think there’s magic in this scarf, don’t you think? You play your cards right, young man, and I will give you this scarf. I will plant kisses on your back and on your neck and on your lips. I will give you souvenirs of kisses. And to remind you later, you can wear this scarf. How does that sound? Let’s just drink all night and give each other kisses. Give me a smile and I’ll give you my scarf.
(He stares long and hard at TOM.)
Now, that’s what I call a beautiful smile. Painfully shy, yet beautiful smile.
(He takes the scarf off and wraps it around TOM’s neck.)
Hmmmmmmmm-mmmmmmmmmm. You sure do deserve my scarf. 
Contributor’s
notes
Unseen Character Suite: Introduction and Menu